Queer

RIP Robin Williams.

Otherkin Blogging Day 6–Kintype(s): Facts and fiction

This is really vague, so I’m going to assume it’s about stereotypes and truths about each of my kintypes so here goes:

Wolves.

Probably my biggest pet peeve is seeing wolfaboos and the Wolfie Blackheart crowd forming “packs” with Greek alphabet ranks (alphas, betas, omegas, etc) because that was LONG disproven as a structure of wolf packs in the wild. See here. Wolves live in family units, and the “alphas” are simply the mother and father. There is a complex hierarchy, but the Greek alphabet thing needs to die.

The myth of the “lone wolf” irks me a bit, too. A wolf on it’s own for too long will eventually starve as it’s hard enough for a whole pack working together to make a kill, let alone a single wolf. Dispersal wolves are more than likely what people are referring to when they talk about “lone wolves” and they’re simply adult wolves who have reached sexual maturity and gone off in search of a mate to begin their own family. Most often they scavenge until they find their mate, and then they work together to hunt until their pups grow up and give further support.

Now, Cheshire is actually a very interesting one to talk about for me.

The Cheshire Cat is thought by most people to be an invention of Charles Dodgeson’s (AKA Lewis Carroll) in his book Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. However, it seems that the term “grinning like a Cheshire cat” existed at least 70 years prior to the popularization of it in the famous book and was first mentioned in Peter Pindar’s Pair of Lyric Epistles published in 1792. The term “to grin like a Cheshire Cat” has several possible origins, my favorite being the possible influence of carvings of grinning cats outside churches Dodgeson may have frequented–most notably St. Wilfrid’s, which was in a village adjacent to his birthplace in Daresbury, Cheshire.

One of the cat carvings from St. Wilfrid’s Church

Some of the other possible explanations include it being a reference to a specific kind of cheese made in Cheshire that was carved to look like a grinning cat, that it’s a reference to the heraldic Lions of England on the arms of the first Earl of Chester, or that it may have come from wonky-looking inn signs depicting lions (rather poorly) which were sometimes referred to as cats.

No one has pinned it down exactly, but it all makes for a history as fascinating and mysterious as the beast itself, for sure!

I’m In a Bit of a Bind

Okay okay I know I disappeared for a while and wasn’t very good at keeping up with the otherkin blogging. I’ll get back to that, I promise. XD I just…things have been rough here. My mother (who I am unfortunately still financially dependent upon) is essentially saying “oh sorry I don’t have any money to help you pay rent or go to college or buy new clothes that you desperately need” when I suspect she’s spending a lot of that on selfish things like expensive cars and booze. To be fair, some goes to taking care of my grandfather, but there are definitely areas of spending where she could cut back. And she’s never really raised me the way a mother should anyway.

Yeah I’m bitter. In case you couldn’t tell.

But anywhore, it’s got me really freaking out about my job search because if I don’t pay rent on Sept 1st, I have to go back to living with the aforementioned mother and feeling suicidal 24/7 again.

So if anyone could help me out by donating to my Paypal or purchasing tarot/stichomancy readings from me (all that nifty info can be found here and the donate button is on the top left corner of my blog) I would greatly appreciate it.

I should be able to afford to stay another month, but I’m really pushing it here with money and even if I can pay rent, I have no money for a haircut (which I desperately need), new clothes (which I haven’t bought in three or four years at LEAST), or college textbooks (thanks so much for helping me with the FAFSA, mom! Telling me not to do it and refusing to help me is DEFINITELY the way to prepare your child for college!) and those are all kind of important.

So if anyone can spare a few dollars in donations or by requesting readings, I’d really appreciate it. 😦 Thanks.

La Petit Mort–Erotic Devotional Poetry

Devil; you crawl into my

bed all hands and knees and
teeth and

I’m all open legs
and eyes closed in prayer–

hands clasped
to headboard–

bed and body
shaking and breath

short.

You

whisper like
every fevered fantasy

that we will die
a thousand little deaths

together.

I’m your possession; My God
you are my savior

and I’m your little boy
with hands down his pants.

Save me from my sin
with your holy lips

mumbling hymns
into my thighs

and coax repentance
from my desperate form

sweating and begging
for whatever is the opposite of

mercy.

I want the fires of
your Hell, and Heaven

is feeling you
inside me.

I will speak in
tongues and burn

with the fires
of your Love.

I am willingly
your servant–

the lover of
a devil with a thousand names

and a Silver Tongue.

Anoint me with your
holy oil and claim me

for eternity.

Otherkin Blogging Day 5–Identity: Doubts

Awwwww shit.

Of course I have doubts. I’ve always had doubts.

Especially because I’m dumb and insecure and know that Loki knows more about me than I do sometimes and would probably know if I was for realz a wolf in some past life or if I’m actually a shapeshifter or some nonsense. And I worry that He’s like “Nah son, you’re just some human dude. Get your head outta tha clouds.”

But I back up my awkward spiritual doubts with the idea that even if it’s not something I am spiritually, then I have this identification for some psychological reason. For whatever reasons, be it my being raised around canines and picking up their behaviors or maybe identifying the way that I do gives me some sort of comfort after years of abuse, these identities are here and have never left. And I hold them as dear to me and deeply personal. I have enough proof for myself that my identities are real in some way. And that’s all that really matters.

Let’s talk about sex, part two

Self-Care and Spirit Work

I don’t know how coherent this post is going to be, but this is something I think needs to be spoken on.

I’ve sort of noticed this pattern among spirit workers and devotional polytheists of “The gods come first. Our first responsibility is to our gods.” And anyone who isn’t constantly serving or working with their gods is being selfish or lazy. And I take issue with this mentality.

I’ve been struggling immensely for the past year, really, with severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. And I am essentially unmedicated, considering my current meds do nothing for me. This means that I don’t have the energy at all for interacting with astral beings of ANY sort, gods or otherwise. Trust me, I’ve tried. But it’s incredibly stressful and I have felt nothing but guilt and self-hatred because I feel like a terrible person for “ignoring” them. I’ve felt like a shitty partner, too, toward my husband and more recent spirit companion, because I can’t bring myself to spend time with them. It just takes up more spoons than I have and puts an incredible amount of pressure on me. And the mentality that I need to be constantly devoted to Loki and jump when He says jump only serves to make this worse, and by extension, make my illness worse.

It’s only recently that I’ve sat down and allowed myself to NOT pay as much attention and devote as much energy to the Powers. I actually cannot handle it. It exacerbates my illness. And you know what? They understand. Loki understands. My other spirit companion understands. We can all still be bros and hang out when I have spoons, but I just DON’T right now.

There’s this idea that if someone ever actively separates themselves from their gods, that they’re somehow shirking responsibility or not being a Good Pagan, but that’s bullshit.

I am serving my gods by serving myself. I’m useless if I’m not healthy enough to do even basic functions like eat, sleep, and move. All of which I struggle with daily. So by stepping back, saying “I’ll see ya around” and focusing on myself and my own innate, non-gods-related spirituality, I am serving Loki the best way I can. And anyone who thinks otherwise can go shove their athame where the sun don’t shine.

So there’s my ramble-y 2 cents on that.

Serve yoself.

Let’s talk about sex, part one

Otherkin Blogging Day 4–Identity: Other aspects of your identity (in addition to/besides your otherkin identity)

Besides being therian/kin, I’ve got a lot of other really important aspects to my identity. So, I’ll list them all and go more in-depth as needed. Hold on tight!

I’m transgender (FTM), pagan, an artist and poet, a costumer, goth (like the 80’s new wave sort), polyamorous, and kinky. I’m the little boy to my partner, dom, and Daddy, who goes by Scar. I’m one of Loki’s spouses. I’m a psychology student. I’m an aspiring author. I’m a gamer, a Trekkie (seen most of TOS, all of TNG, all of DS9, some of Voyageur, and all the movies at LEAST once. I also met William Shatner and got Brent Spiner’s autograph), and a frequenter of conventions.

I’m lots of things. XD