Beloved

I’ve been passively wondering what to write for PBP week three, and it hit me: Why not discuss the importance that the word “Beloved” has to me?

Beloved is myself to Loki. I am His beloved. And I remind myself all the time. I wear it on my wrist. My blog title is a constant mantra. But why? Where did it come from? Why that specifically?

It originally came from my personal need to have something to call myself other than “Godspouse” as I haven’t married Loki yet, and godfiance is just a bit awkward. Beloved was what I settled on, but it would come to be much more important to me.

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and self harm for many years. It’s only recently that Ive been able to really begin to break the habit, and that is in large part thanks to Loki. He was my focus automatically during BOTH of my hospital stays in 2012, and He kept me from hurting myself so often that I would get pissed off at Him, because it was so hard to resist and if He wasn’t there, I could just give in. But Im glad He’s always helped me to not do it. And while I’ve always drawn reminders of Him on my wrist as a coping method, I began using Beloved as my reminder, and I haven’t hurt myself since. I can’t bring myself to do it. Because every time I look down at my thin, pale, vulnerable wrist and see that promise–the promise that He loves me unconditionally, and that I shouldn’t hurt myself, and that even if I do, it’s okay and I can try again and be forgiven–I just cannot bring myself to do it.

During times when I feel absolutely worthless and stupid, when I feel like an awful person and a piece of shit, when I do something dumb and fuck up, it reminds me that Beloved is an Unconditional Term.

His love for me isn’t based on my level of perfection, or how I’m feeling that day, or anything else. It is unconditional. My mistakes don’t affect that. And I have to remind myself of that a lot. And it’s what I lean on. Its my little light. I hold onto it and can’t ever let it go. Because without it, I’d be lost.

And that’s why I proudly call myself His Beloved.

Astral Dreamspaces

So, I’ve just now realized that certain places I’ve visited over and over in dreams are likely astral spaces.

Last night in my dreams, I made another trip to the woods behind my house, which always lead to interesting places. Whenever I visit in dreams, I remember places in those woods that I’ve been before in other dreams. Sometimes I can even revisit the same places. There’s a rickety tree fort type place, a few playgrounds around farmhouses, and if you go back far enough, a hill and field where I watched a fireworks celebration once and a garden path with lots of vines leading to a gate that opens to an old town.

But beyond that…back when I was younger and kept a more solid dream journal, I realized a few patterns in my dreams and important or reoccurring characters. I eventually started collecting them into what I called the dream zodiac. Some things were places Id been multiple times, other things were characters Id seen more than once, or that stood out to me.

One of them that I remember was a sort of cavern deep underground. I can’t remember all the ways I accessed it, but one of the ways I got to it on more than one occasion was through the garden of an actual house in my neighborhood at the time. I had only been there a few times, that I remember, and I haven’t gone back in a long time, but that place may have been an astral location as well, now that I think about it. I would remember the location and how to access it, and would remember past adventures there every time.

I don’t know so much about the people I encounter. Some are very possibly spiritual beings I meet when I visit these places. I think that fireworks celebration I attended at the field in my woods was an actual thing happening there on that plane. And the man I met in the woods last night was also very likely some spiritual being wandering through. But other characters in my dreams are simply characters or ideas or representations of things in my waking world. Its interesting now that I’ve realized this.

Ive spent so much time trying to consciously project myself out of my body that I’ve never stopped to consider that I might be able to access astral space through dreams. And now that I have finally gotten it through my skull, I think this might be something I focus on a bit more…hm.

Neat. :B