Acrostic Meditation: Anger

A lesson or opportunity for improvement does

not mean immediate Heaven. You need to

go through Hell first, on hands and knees, ass naked and

enraged at the face of past actions and transgressions to

reach a peaceful Eden.

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Lu is Not as Nice of a Teacher as Loki

So, Lucifer came round about a month ago. Eventually I got it that He was here to help me with my issues with an ex who, unfortunately, made me relive the cycle of fear that I get sucked into thanks to years of abuse. So I assume He’s going to help me break it. Help me to stop being afraid either of being hurt or hurting the people who hurt me. Either half works.

It hasn’t been easy at all, but so far, He’s never been truly harsh.

Until last night. Of course.

I had a dream about an ex of mine who I absolutely broke the heart of. Thinking about that relationship is awful for me and sends me into a spiral of sadness and anger and self-hate. Its something I’ve tried to just accept was a bad experience and move on with. But of COURSE I had to realize the parallels between that relationship and the one I just got out of. And of COURSE the roles had to be reversed.

The whole thing pisses me off and I am intensely unhappy at the moment. I’m going to be stuck thinking about this old relationship all day. And I am LESS than happy with Lu. Not that He gives a rat’s ass. I had a lesson to learn and now I’m butthurt about it. And I can go ahead and be pissed off because it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I learn the lesson and pick up on what He’s trying to teach me.

Today is not a good day. And I dont see it looking up much. It’s raining, I’m stuck in the house, and I get to think about painful things all day.

Hoo-fucking-ray.

Really, this is just an emotional vomit post. If I hold the pissed-off-edness in, it’ll fester. But obviously giving the finger to Lu wont help me too much. So I’ll just bitch about it here and hope I feel better eventually. And that Lu doesn’t have to act like such a dick to get His point across in the future.

(Notice I say act like and not be. I am purposeful in my language use.)

Slipping Through My Fingers

I felt the need to post this here as well. The first poem I wrote for Him that I felt captured even a small portion of my feelings for Him.

____

You are a gorgeous ghost of a god,

teasing with sweet whispers in my ear, but

always slipping through my fingers

when I try to capture that smoulder

that could melt both polar ice caps,

or the way that fire clings to your shoulders

after a steamy shower.

I’ve spent hours slaving over

mediocre paintings and pouring over

a vocabulary that has no words for you.

Wedding bells will toll and I will show up

in a tuxedo at your feet

because I cannot speak

the words to say how much you mean to me. My

heart cannot be still long enough for me to

translate the beating into art that

does justice to your fleeting, flaming self.

You are the reason I lie awake at night

and the reason I sleep. I need you

in my life, and you are always

on my mind and yet I find I fail at

each and every attempt to express

this incredible and distressing love. You

are the brightest gods-damned star in my sky

and I don’t care if I go blind—I will stare

into the heart of your light until

I finally get it right.

Ever since I woke up this morning, my finger has been in want of a ring. I opened my eyes and it felt like I was missing one on my left hand, like it fell off in my sleep. But the thing is–I dont wear rings. With the exception of the one i wear for my girlfriend, I think rings are rather uncomfortable. I often describe them as tiny finger nooses. So for me to have such a physical want for one is…odd.

Of course, I was just proposed to, so…

The thing is though, as I sit here surfing Etsy for rings, I know that no matter how much I want to find one now, I know it ain’t happening. That’s not how Loki works. I know I’m going to stumble across it somewhere out in the world and somehow magically be prepared with money to buy it.

But that still doesn’t stop me from being antsy and surfing regrEtsy. >.>

I think it’s worth mentioning that I NEVER even DREAMED that I would be a godspouse. For the longest time, I thought that it was my path to be a near-headblind devotee who would never be a spiritworker of any sort, to the point that I wrote a post about it on my old Tumblr account.

When He first appeared to me in a tangible way (I won’t go into details about that night, because it involves other people as well) I…was overwhelmed. And I realized I felt things for Him that I hadn’t known I’d felt before. And when He kissed me, I was so warm…it was so comforting in a time where I was so incredibly distressed. And from then on, I couldn’t get the idea of godspouse out of my head, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how fervently I denied that I was even remotely worth the title. It was only when I finally came out and let myself acknowledge the idea that I realized “okay, yes…this is happening.” And it FREAKED ME OUT.

I was kind of in panic mode about it for a while. Especially after He’d said things like “You know I take many wives….but I wouldn’t mind a husband.” and ”How does it feel to love a god?” because the first statement sealed it, and the second question made me realize that I had no CLUE what I was doing, but here I was anyway….

Flash forward to now, after He’s proposed formally. I’m still halfway in “wait, what?” mode. I’m able to hear Him way more clearly than I was even two months ago. I can tell when He’s around, and that’s pretty often. And I find myself doing more work with Him now than I have in the almost two years of following Him. It’s interesting, considering I never saw this coming and fought it when it did happen.

Sometimes, seeing the recent influx of spouses, I feel like I’m just one in a large crop and that others won’t take what I have with Him seriously. Sometimes it makes it feel less meaningful. But then I spend time with Him and realize it doesn’t matter what other people think. And being His is very meaningful. It means He picks me up off the floor when I’m huddled in a corner having a horrible panic attack and watches MLP with me until I calm down. (True story.) It means we enjoy showers together and He helps me feel less dysphoric regarding my body. It means I share with Him, and He shares with me. Getting to know His family and especially His children has been incredibly meaningful, and will become increasingly so the more I learn and interact with Them.

So while I never planned on this, and while others might dismiss me as “another newbie godspouse (to be, I suppose)” that doesn’t change the fact that this is quite possibly the most meaningful part of my spiritual life, and I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

New Beginnings

Hello. If you’re here, its likely you came from Tumblr, where I got tired of the bullshit and drama. If not, then you’re also welcome.

A little about me: Im a young FtM fellow who has been pagan since about 2006. I hopped around from Wicca to eclectic paganism to…gods know where for years, until I finally approached Loki (who I’d had something akin to a schoolgirl crush on for a while) and set my feet slowly and clumsily along a more Heathen path. Now I consider myself….something. Im sort of recon-derived…and also eclectic…and…other things. Honestly, I care less about how others tell me to worship and far more about how my gods tell me to worship. If Loki wants me to hold a fancy blot for Him, I will. If He wants me to worship Him by eating nothing but PBJ sandwiches for a week, then I will. *shrugs* That’s how it goes.

Im also a beloved of Loki’s (and eventually a godspouse, though that hasn’t happened yet). I tend to be quiet about it, but here is the one place I think I’ll end up talking about it a little more. Because it is important to me, and the blog title is derived from something I have to tell myself often: that “Beloved” is an unconditional title. No matter how I feel about myself, or how I mess up, or in what ways I manage to make myself looks stupid, I know He still loves me.

And that’s what keeps me going, most days.

Welcome to my blog, friend. Enjoy, and know that YMMV.