Marriage Ramblings…

I’ve gotten a few readings lately that have hinted at a wedding in the spring. And lately, I’ve been on the hunt for a ring because my finger needs it. It’s important to me to have one.

And for the longest time I’ve been considering getting “Beloved” tattooed on my wrist, since I wear it there in pen, anyway. But last night I was kind of mulling it over and realized that if I got a tattoo for Him, I would essentially be “sealing the deal.” It would be me saying I want Him to be part of me forever. So…why not get “Beloved” tattooed on my ring finger instead?

I’m still mulling it over, researching the idea, etc. But I like it, I think.

I’m also sitting here contemplating marriage itself. Like…I don’t want to take this lightly. No oath, especially one like this, should be taken lightly. But I also don’t want to scare myself worrying about it. Because there’s not much to worry about.

Bluh. Marriage. ❤

If my fingers could touch your flesh, I swear

that they would become whole hands

groping desperately at your back

and pulling you tight to

me, desperate and

yearning.

I

have a

heart that is

full to bursting and

want to fit all of you inside it.

There are times I want to cover my body

with your holy name,

to tattoo it on every single inch of skin and

carve it into every bone

because it always hangs on my lips and

I don’t dare take it in vain.

It’s my favorite prayer

to sing aloud or

whisper

or moan aloud when

we share space and skin

or

to cry out in agony

when my head and heart break.

Times I want to

drop

everything

and give my world to you,

dedicating every waking moment

to writing love poems on the walls

and painting your thousand faces

and learning every

valley

and hill

and mountain

of the topography of

You.

My shameless

and favorite obsession.

 

I release through

tears falling from

tired and love-filled

eyes, locked onto

yours in the

post-orgasmic moment

balancing bliss and

nuclear meltdown

of the heart.

I cry for years–

freeing the fears

that sat not-so-quietly

inside me for

a dog’s age,

and you reassure

me it’s just

how I release.

World Breaker I

I know you don’t want to hear “sorry,” Darling,

and I’m tired of apologizing, to be honest,

so instead, I’m going to say thank you.

When my body betrays me, pale and fleshy and

leaking in ways of which I never want to speak again–

thank you for helping me fight to find light.

And we both know it’s a fight.

I lay in bed, heart full and numb, lead

in my veins and head full of empty and dark

because my eyes are glued shut and my hands are

white-knuckled clutching a blade, swinging wildly to

ward off the words that read as red letters on my wrist

and urge me to write novels as my suicide note.

You do your best to steady my hands

or open my eyes,

and sometimes I slip and, clumsy, cut myself,

but you hold my hands–not my mistakes–against me,

clutched in yours, warm and ready to wipe tears from my eyes

for the thousandth time

for the thousandth time

for the thousandth time.

I hear that sigh escape your lips and I know

you wish I wouldn’t do this to myself because my wrists are pretty

and sometimes I want to promise them to you, but

I know it’s a promise I can’t keep. I wage whole wars

against myself in your name, Beloved, but I know

I wont escape unwounded.

I’m weak.

So forgive me my weakness. You know I hate

to feel the sad when you see me on my knees,

screaming, defeated, but

I’ll break free of this faulting flesh

and slough off these scars

and stand up for the first time

since I was born.

 

Beloved

I’ve been passively wondering what to write for PBP week three, and it hit me: Why not discuss the importance that the word “Beloved” has to me?

Beloved is myself to Loki. I am His beloved. And I remind myself all the time. I wear it on my wrist. My blog title is a constant mantra. But why? Where did it come from? Why that specifically?

It originally came from my personal need to have something to call myself other than “Godspouse” as I haven’t married Loki yet, and godfiance is just a bit awkward. Beloved was what I settled on, but it would come to be much more important to me.

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and self harm for many years. It’s only recently that Ive been able to really begin to break the habit, and that is in large part thanks to Loki. He was my focus automatically during BOTH of my hospital stays in 2012, and He kept me from hurting myself so often that I would get pissed off at Him, because it was so hard to resist and if He wasn’t there, I could just give in. But Im glad He’s always helped me to not do it. And while I’ve always drawn reminders of Him on my wrist as a coping method, I began using Beloved as my reminder, and I haven’t hurt myself since. I can’t bring myself to do it. Because every time I look down at my thin, pale, vulnerable wrist and see that promise–the promise that He loves me unconditionally, and that I shouldn’t hurt myself, and that even if I do, it’s okay and I can try again and be forgiven–I just cannot bring myself to do it.

During times when I feel absolutely worthless and stupid, when I feel like an awful person and a piece of shit, when I do something dumb and fuck up, it reminds me that Beloved is an Unconditional Term.

His love for me isn’t based on my level of perfection, or how I’m feeling that day, or anything else. It is unconditional. My mistakes don’t affect that. And I have to remind myself of that a lot. And it’s what I lean on. Its my little light. I hold onto it and can’t ever let it go. Because without it, I’d be lost.

And that’s why I proudly call myself His Beloved.

My Little Astral Bookstore

Last night, I managed to make more progress towards getting my ass into the astral than I have in 11 years. *dances*

I realized that I was going about it all wrong. The first time I had an OBE, I was six and it was an accident. Ever since then, I’d been trying to recreate it in the same way. All the books I’d read on the subject all gave the same method for leaving your body, which I had tried so many times to do, but found myself stuck. I always thought it was just a matter of me not doing it right, but I’ve finally come to realize that it was actually a matter of it being the wrong technique for my stubborn body. XD

Last night, I laid down for bed, and instead of focusing on my spiritual body where it was in my bed, I began to feel myself on the garden path to the gate that leads to a town I’ve been to before in my dreams. It was really difficult for me to see, and my vision was clouded and dark, so instead I focused on feeling and hearing what was around me, while seeing what I could remember most vividly from past travels.

I found my way to a book store I’d been directed to a long time ago when I first encountered the Wiccan Goddess in middle school. I can still remember certain parts very vividly, to the point that I drew a part of the store. As I knelt down to feel and smell the books, I actually noticed Loki in the same store, to my surprise, and I followed Him out of the store. My memory of the exact sequence of events here gets blurry, but He ended up trying to help me get better signal clarity, so to speak, and come over more fully. He took my hand and held it to His face, so I could focus on how He felt. He spoke to me, so I could latch onto His voice (and GODS ALMIGHTY do I love that voice~) I even combed my fingers through His hair, trying to get a feel for that. But sight wasn’t happening. I tried my hardest, but it’s always been the psychic sense I’ve lacked the most.

I had to wonder how strange we looked to others. Especially considering I briefly messed around with shapeshifting, but that’s another story. XD In the end, I had exhausted myself trying and told Him I would come back for the night and try again later. He kissed me and I brought myself back, opening my eyes and not sleeping for another hour, to my great annoyance.

But it was really interesting to me. It took me so long to realize I could do it that way.

Huh. Neat. :B

Astral Dreamspaces

So, I’ve just now realized that certain places I’ve visited over and over in dreams are likely astral spaces.

Last night in my dreams, I made another trip to the woods behind my house, which always lead to interesting places. Whenever I visit in dreams, I remember places in those woods that I’ve been before in other dreams. Sometimes I can even revisit the same places. There’s a rickety tree fort type place, a few playgrounds around farmhouses, and if you go back far enough, a hill and field where I watched a fireworks celebration once and a garden path with lots of vines leading to a gate that opens to an old town.

But beyond that…back when I was younger and kept a more solid dream journal, I realized a few patterns in my dreams and important or reoccurring characters. I eventually started collecting them into what I called the dream zodiac. Some things were places Id been multiple times, other things were characters Id seen more than once, or that stood out to me.

One of them that I remember was a sort of cavern deep underground. I can’t remember all the ways I accessed it, but one of the ways I got to it on more than one occasion was through the garden of an actual house in my neighborhood at the time. I had only been there a few times, that I remember, and I haven’t gone back in a long time, but that place may have been an astral location as well, now that I think about it. I would remember the location and how to access it, and would remember past adventures there every time.

I don’t know so much about the people I encounter. Some are very possibly spiritual beings I meet when I visit these places. I think that fireworks celebration I attended at the field in my woods was an actual thing happening there on that plane. And the man I met in the woods last night was also very likely some spiritual being wandering through. But other characters in my dreams are simply characters or ideas or representations of things in my waking world. Its interesting now that I’ve realized this.

Ive spent so much time trying to consciously project myself out of my body that I’ve never stopped to consider that I might be able to access astral space through dreams. And now that I have finally gotten it through my skull, I think this might be something I focus on a bit more…hm.

Neat. :B

My Adventures in Pop Culture Magick and Paganism

I’ve been slowly testing the waters of pop culture witchcraft and paganism for the past month and a half, and the more I read and look into it, the more I realize that none of it is new. While it’s become very popular (haha) recently, I think it’s funny that people either attack it or hop on the train like it’s a brand new idea, when things like the worship of pop culture icons and “drawing down Elvis” have been tossed around as ideas for a while in the Chaos magick scene. The way I see it, PC magick is simply a less esoteric form of Chaos magick with more accessible faces.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t kick ass. Because it really does, in my opinion. Especially because it’s essentially a less esoteric kind of chaos magick. That shit was WAY over my head, if I’m being totally honest here. I’m not able to sit through pages and pages of intricate writings on magick theory and sigils and thoughtforms. It’s, to be frank, dry as sun-bleached bones to me. And likely to a lot of others. And that was all I could find on the subject when I looked into it so long ago. Which, I suppose, is why this re-packaged version of it has arrived.

Now, Im not saying that people are blind to it’s origins in chaos magick. I’m sure many people are aware. I’m just remarking on how amusing it is that something so popular and controversial in the 80s has come back to be equally as popular and controversial. Haha.

That said, I’m definitely getting into the idea. I’m still iffy on some things, like how part of me is cautious about MCU!Loki, because I know people who work with Him. Where the other part of me is NOPE-ing SO HARD at the idea of having two Lokis. One is enough trouble, thank you very much. I love Him to pieces but I do NOT need more. Even the idea of Him appearing to me as Marvel!Loki is squicky, because I don’t like to combine the two. But, on the other hand, I’ve strongly considered setting up altar space for Death and Delirium of the Endless. Both are beings who I feel drawn to and have a great respect for. And I would absolutely honor and work with Them.

Even more pop culture-based than that, I’ve considered setting up a Bloodstone Circle and a working altar space for Cecil Palmer. I’ve seen enough ooky stuff happen with Nightvale magick that I’d go for it.

Pop culture paganism and witchcraft are all kinds of weird and brain-hurty sometimes–not any NEW kind of weird and brain-hurty, mind you–but they’re things that I think are absolutely worthwhile and a great way to enhance one’s practice, if it speaks to you.

That’s ramble-y my two cents.