So, Lucifer came round about a month ago. Eventually I got it that He was here to help me with my issues with an ex who, unfortunately, made me relive the cycle of fear that I get sucked into thanks to years of abuse. So I assume He’s going to help me break it. Help me to stop being afraid either of being hurt or hurting the people who hurt me. Either half works.
It hasn’t been easy at all, but so far, He’s never been truly harsh.
Until last night. Of course.
I had a dream about an ex of mine who I absolutely broke the heart of. Thinking about that relationship is awful for me and sends me into a spiral of sadness and anger and self-hate. Its something I’ve tried to just accept was a bad experience and move on with. But of COURSE I had to realize the parallels between that relationship and the one I just got out of. And of COURSE the roles had to be reversed.
The whole thing pisses me off and I am intensely unhappy at the moment. I’m going to be stuck thinking about this old relationship all day. And I am LESS than happy with Lu. Not that He gives a rat’s ass. I had a lesson to learn and now I’m butthurt about it. And I can go ahead and be pissed off because it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I learn the lesson and pick up on what He’s trying to teach me.
Today is not a good day. And I dont see it looking up much. It’s raining, I’m stuck in the house, and I get to think about painful things all day.
Really, this is just an emotional vomit post. If I hold the pissed-off-edness in, it’ll fester. But obviously giving the finger to Lu wont help me too much. So I’ll just bitch about it here and hope I feel better eventually. And that Lu doesn’t have to act like such a dick to get His point across in the future.
(Notice I say act like and not be. I am purposeful in my language use.)