I’m In a Bit of a Bind

Okay okay I know I disappeared for a while and wasn’t very good at keeping up with the otherkin blogging. I’ll get back to that, I promise. 😄 I just…things have been rough here. My mother (who I am unfortunately still financially dependent upon) is essentially saying “oh sorry I don’t have any money to help you pay rent or go to college or buy new clothes that you desperately need” when I suspect she’s spending a lot of that on selfish things like expensive cars and booze. To be fair, some goes to taking care of my grandfather, but there are definitely areas of spending where she could cut back. And she’s never really raised me the way a mother should anyway.

Yeah I’m bitter. In case you couldn’t tell.

But anywhore, it’s got me really freaking out about my job search because if I don’t pay rent on Sept 1st, I have to go back to living with the aforementioned mother and feeling suicidal 24/7 again.

So if anyone could help me out by donating to my Paypal or purchasing tarot/stichomancy readings from me (all that nifty info can be found here and the donate button is on the top left corner of my blog) I would greatly appreciate it.

I should be able to afford to stay another month, but I’m really pushing it here with money and even if I can pay rent, I have no money for a haircut (which I desperately need), new clothes (which I haven’t bought in three or four years at LEAST), or college textbooks (thanks so much for helping me with the FAFSA, mom! Telling me not to do it and refusing to help me is DEFINITELY the way to prepare your child for college!) and those are all kind of important.

So if anyone can spare a few dollars in donations or by requesting readings, I’d really appreciate it. 😦 Thanks.

Self-Care and Spirit Work

I don’t know how coherent this post is going to be, but this is something I think needs to be spoken on.

I’ve sort of noticed this pattern among spirit workers and devotional polytheists of “The gods come first. Our first responsibility is to our gods.” And anyone who isn’t constantly serving or working with their gods is being selfish or lazy. And I take issue with this mentality.

I’ve been struggling immensely for the past year, really, with severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. And I am essentially unmedicated, considering my current meds do nothing for me. This means that I don’t have the energy at all for interacting with astral beings of ANY sort, gods or otherwise. Trust me, I’ve tried. But it’s incredibly stressful and I have felt nothing but guilt and self-hatred because I feel like a terrible person for “ignoring” them. I’ve felt like a shitty partner, too, toward my husband and more recent spirit companion, because I can’t bring myself to spend time with them. It just takes up more spoons than I have and puts an incredible amount of pressure on me. And the mentality that I need to be constantly devoted to Loki and jump when He says jump only serves to make this worse, and by extension, make my illness worse.

It’s only recently that I’ve sat down and allowed myself to NOT pay as much attention and devote as much energy to the Powers. I actually cannot handle it. It exacerbates my illness. And you know what? They understand. Loki understands. My other spirit companion understands. We can all still be bros and hang out when I have spoons, but I just DON’T right now.

There’s this idea that if someone ever actively separates themselves from their gods, that they’re somehow shirking responsibility or not being a Good Pagan, but that’s bullshit.

I am serving my gods by serving myself. I’m useless if I’m not healthy enough to do even basic functions like eat, sleep, and move. All of which I struggle with daily. So by stepping back, saying “I’ll see ya around” and focusing on myself and my own innate, non-gods-related spirituality, I am serving Loki the best way I can. And anyone who thinks otherwise can go shove their athame where the sun don’t shine.

So there’s my ramble-y 2 cents on that.

Serve yoself.