Otherkin Blogging Day 3–Identity: How/why you are otherkin

I tend to take a combination of a spiritual and psychological stance in regards to my therian and kin identities.

Most folks know that I’m a baby spirit worker, and I spend some time being aware of the astral. So my shapeshifting there, comments made by Loki, and astral dreams I’ve had all contribute to my pile of personal evidence for the validity of my claims. Emphasizing personal, because it really doesn’t count for shit as evidence to anyone but me.

I also feel a deep spiritual connection to my therio-/kintypes that pushes me to search for spiritual explanations.

However, as one pursuing psychology and in possession of critical thinking skills and rational thought, I also totally accept the possibility that I could identify this way due to a neurological difference, or through childhood influences, or as a means of self-empowerment. None of these mean my identity is invalid. They just mean I percieve myself on an internal, personal level differently than other, and if this helps me and hurts no one else, then it shouldn’t be an issue.

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Otherkin Blogging Day 2–Identity: History/development

Here comes the fun part.

Aight kiddies, gather ’round and let Uncle Christoph tell ya bout how he figured out he’s a loony wolf and grinning riddle kitty.

When I was little, I always played “dog” games. And whenever my friends and I got together to play those silly wolf pack games that kids do, I always kinda took it more seriously than the rest of them. Wolves were Important Creatures and it was upsetting to me when the others didn’t act like real wolves, because that’s what I thought we were doing. When I howled, it would always trigger shifts in me, though I didn’t know it at the time.

I could go on about silly childhood things, but I wanna fast forward to the meat of my therian experience, which began around Feb 2006 when I first found the term “therian.” I knew immediately that what these people were describing as therianthropy was what I had experienced pretty much my whole life. I had felt phantom limbs and had mental shifts and the whole nine yards. So I coined myself a grey wolf therian and launched into the FLUFFIEST TRAINWRECK OF MIDDLE SCHOOL WOLFABOO HORROR THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN.

I appointed myself “alpha” of a pack of my friends and we convinced ourselves that we were gonna P-shift and save the world from the second coming of the Elenari’s Corruption and it was….

It was bad. XD I cringe at the journal entries I still have from those times.

But after that ended in my freshman year of highschool, my interest in therianthropy went mostly dormant. I didn’t pay attention to it at all. If I weren’t a therian, this would’ve been me growing out of a phase entirely.

But the thing is, while I didn’t pay attention to it, wolf was still there. Always there. Integrated into my base personality and actions and instincts. (I’m a suntherian, so it makes sense.) And after a few years, I was prompted to re-examine and question if I still thought I was a therian.

And after outside consultation, a number of soul readings from people who had no knowledge of my wolf identity, and a bit of soul-searching, I decided that yes, I was still a wolf therian.

It stayed with me through all these years no matter what happened or what stance I took on it. And that’s proof enough to me that it exists in some way.

As for Cheshire, that was a recent development because I was 1. Reluctant to explore the possibility of polymorph as a second therio-/kintype for a long time, and when I did I was 2. Resistant to the nagging thoughts I had of being a Cheshire because I didn’t want to be fictionkin.

But in all honesty, I’ve had an idea that I’m some sort of shapeshifter for a long time, and it makes a lot of sense to me. Especially considering that I have had an intense connection to and identification with the Alice mythos for a long time. It always resonated with me on a really deep level and I could never pinpoint exactly why–and trust me I psychoanalyzed the hell out of it.

But when I went looking for a specific explanation for my polymorph identity, it came up again that Cheshire was a possibility, and it was then that I kinda had to…suck it up and accept that my answer was staring me in the face. The only reason I hadn’t accepted it as a possibility was because I didn’t WANT to be fictionkin.

Now, it could technically be argued that Cheshire doesn’t have to fall under fictionkin since the term and idea of a Cheshire Cat was around at least 100 years before Lewis Carroll (AKA Charles Dodgson) popularized it in his books, but that’s a discussion for another blog post.

So there ya have it.

Thats how I came to identify as a wolf and grinning cat. And I don’t take myself seriously about either identity at all. XD

30 Days of Otherkin Challenge

Probably gonna do this over here. I’ve been inspired to write about ‘kin things as of late, but we all know how great Tumblr is for that. *eyeroll*

Beyond Awakening

I wanted some prompts for writing about otherkin, but the original 30 Day Non-Human Challenge was not open-ended enough of a prompt series for my tastes. I decided to make my own, modeled in style more closely after the 30 Days of Paganism meme. Feel free to modify and adjust the below to your heart’s content. I’ll be completing this challenge over on Tumblr.

30 Days of Otherkin

  1. Identity: Current
  2. Identity: History/development
  3. Identity: How/why you are otherkin
  4. Identity: Other aspects of your identity (in addition to/besides your otherkin identity)
  5. Identity: Doubts
  6. Kintype(s): Facts and fiction
  7. Kintype(s) Interactions (with your kintype or with others of the same kintype as you)
  8. Kintype(s): Mythology, legends, lore
  9. Kintype(s): What’s it like to be your kintype?
  10. Kintype(s): Common misconceptions
  11. Community: Online
  12. Community: Offline
  13. Community: Family
  14. Community: Friends
  15. Community: Significant others
  16. Being otherkin: Challenges
  17. Being otherkin: Shifting (or lack thereof)
  18. Being otherkin: Reincarnation and past-life…

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Elf Magic Mail

Nifty Otherkin history.

The Silver Elves Blog

Elf Magic Mail: Book 1, the original letters of the Elf Queen’s Daughters with Commentary by the Silver Elves These letters…dearest kin… were written by the Elf Queen’s Daughters and contain within them the roots of the Otherkin movement. The following is the introduction of the book Elf Magic Mail that we have compiled of these original letters by the EQD and we have included a sample writing of one letter with the commentary by the Silver Elves.

Keldas Zet Ton Na Tarsalunin Sol (Running wild on a moonlit night),
The Silver Elves
Our Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/silver.elves
Our Website: http://silverelves.angelfire.com

Be sure an scroll under the following image of Elf Magic Mail to read sample of book:

Image

From the Introduction of Elf Magic Mail:

Introduction

In 1974, a pair of sisters—Arwen and Elanor—calling thems’elves the Elf Queen’s Daughters emerged upon the Pagan/Wiccan scene. They wrote fascinating esoteric letters of elven lore and…

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Well, Damn–Or: How I Stopped Being Butthurt About Fictionkin and PC Paganism

Whoa there.

Loaded title, amirite? What in all the nine worlds am I writing about here? Lemme asplain you a thing:

I’ve been a pagan for about 7 years, and a member of the therian and otherkin communities for about 8. And in that time, I’ve done a lot of introspection and learned a lot about both topics. I’ve always known myself to be a melanistic grey wolf therian, and have fiddled around with and questioned this idea a lot in the 8 years that I’ve identified as such. There were many times where I felt cameo shifts–especially feline ones–and questioned if I had a second theriotype or if I could be a polymorph of some sort, but until recently, I never explored that much, and always stuck to the idea of being wolf.

Regarding paganism, I’ve evolved and changed paths and moved beyond biases many times in the short time (7 years is really nothing) that I’ve been pagan. And while I changed, I feel like the pagan community as a whole has, as well.

Flash forward to more recent times: Pop culture paganism is not a new concept, but it’s one that has gained a lot more recognition as of late, and a lot of people are asking questions and playing with ideas about why pop culture paganism is a thing and where these entities may come from.

When I first started learning about it, I mostly smiled and nodded, but decided it wasn’t for me because–

Why?

In all honestly, it was mostly because I was squicked by the idea of working with beings that “didn’t exist.” We made them up, right? So how could this be a valid path?

Eventually, though, I saw enough rational explanations for it and eased my way into things when Cecil Palmer decided to make an appearance–however brief–into my life. I reasoned that even if there was no ACTUAL Cecil Palmer, then it could be entities taking on the guises of characters we know in an attempt to communicate with us. However I could make it palatable to myself.

Even after this, I was reluctant to work with certain entities. I acknowledged that Marvel!Loki, for example, was an entity, but refused to work with Him because I was stubborn and essentially wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and go “lalalalalala can’t hear you!” in regards to Him. I didn’t want to think about where He came from or what it meant for the rest of my practice.

Eventually He got tired of that and forced me to acknowledge Him and stop being butthurt about it. Because honestly, that’s what was going on. I didn’t want pop culture theories to come in and ruin my nice, neat ideas of deities being deities always and we didn’t invent them and there’s no possible way that we could come up with new ones. It threw a wrench in my comfortable thinking and I didn’t like it.

But of course the gods don’t settle for that and will ALWAYS find ways to upset comfortable thinking. And once I accepted that I had to step out of my comfort zone a bit, I realized that I was choosing to be ignorant by not doing so.

Likewise, I’ve had the same evolution with fictionkin, although I feel I was far more justified in being resistant to them.

My first view of fictionkin came from Tumblr, which we already know is a recipe for disaster as Tumblr is probably the worst example of everything.

Because Tumblr seems to totally ignore the fact that Otherkin has had a set definition of “Identifies as X nonhuman species on a spiritual and/or psychological level” for 24 years and has instead declared that it means “To have a strong connection with X” (which would essentially render the term otherkin useless, because by that definition, EVERYONE is some kind of kin), countless pubescent bloggers have declared themselves all manner of kin and fictionkin without stopping to research OFF of their beloved blogging site, or even question why they feel the need to identify how they do. And I specifically point out the pubescent ones because anyone who has passed puberty and looked back on it cringes at their state of flux and knows that they tried on a lot of labels before they found the ones that fit. And so it’s very easy to dismiss these people as going through a phase (imho I think most of them are), and by extension, to dismiss the whole phenomenon as a phase.

So with all this, I had a good reason to dismiss fictionkin entirely.

Until I found some on the Wulf Howl forums that actually seemed to have questioned themselves and found good answers for why they identified as they did.

When that happened, I no longer had an excuse to ignore them entirely. And in truth, it allowed me to ask myself a question that I had previously felt too afraid to ask–Could I be one of these folks?

Going back to my mention of cameo shifts, I’ve long held the idea that I may be some sort of polymorph in the back of my head. It wasn’t until a few months ago that this came up again and I decided to really really look into it. For these past several months, I’ve been trying to figure out if it’s a kin thing or just a…thing, that I happen to be a polymorph. When I decided finally that I felt it could be called a kin thing, I had to figure out where it came from and what sort of polymorph I was, exactly. It was very important to me to figure out exactly what caused me to be that way, so I looked up all sorts of shapeshifting races and species. I cycled through the possibilities of alien, fae, demon, and many others–all to no avail, really. None of them felt quite right. So when I posted on the Wulf Howl forums recently asking for suggestions, something came up that made me do a double take.

Cheshire Cat.

It was the first suggestion, and honestly something I had jokingly considered myself several times.

I’ve had a deep love of and identification with the Alice in Wonderland stories and mythos for a long, long time. I could never pinpoint exactly why I loved them so much, but they always resonated with me and I surrounded myself with imagery from them and prided myself on my knowledge of the original tales. American McGee’s re-imaginings are my favorite besides the original tale and have also been with me for most of my life. I collected a huge playlist of songs related to the mythos and listened to every bit of the soundtracks from both of American McGee’s games.

I never knew what it was, but I felt absolutely at home in Wonderland.

And of course I psychoanalyzed the hell out of it: Lost girl, world in her mind, has to rescue herself, etc etc. But none of it ever really got to the heart of why I loved it so much.

So when it came up again that I might be Cheshire kin, I froze. And groaned loudly, because “Oh gods no. Not this again. I don’t WANT to be fictionkin!”

Those were the words that came from my mouth. Not “Oh no that’s silly, I’m not fictionkin and have never felt that way.” or even anything to that effect.

No, it was that I didn’t WANT to be fictionkin.

But I honestly knew that whatever I was looking for was right in front of my face. And when I thought about it, it fit. It fit like a silk glove tailor-made for my hands. It explained my constant feline cameo shifts, my deep identification with Wonderland, and my shape-shifting and tendency toward chaos. And so I gave up fighting the idea. I had found what I was looking for.

“Okay. So I’m a Cheshire Cat? Where the fuck does that come from?”

That was a very important question, and THAT is where I feel there’s a crossroads between legitimate fictionkin identity and PC paganism: Where does it come from?

It’s something I think should definitely be explored by those who number themselves among both groups. There are a lot of different explanations floating around for both, and I think it would be really nifty to see people discussing them in tandem, because there’s a really obvious connection.

Personally, I feel like my own fictionkin identity is either because I am actually, on some nonphysical level, a Cheshire Cat, and there’s a bunch of different possibilities as to how that is a thing. OR maybe I’m some sort of shapeshifter on a nonphysical level and I’m simply most comfortable identifying as a Cheshire. OR it’s purely psychological and an identity I’ve adopted for comfort.

And all three are totally valid.

And they also apply to PC paganism in that it could be that these entities really exist for some reason and it’s up to us to figure out how and why, OR they could be other beings adopting these guises to reach out to us, OR it could be a way of connecting with an archetype through that character.

Hell, it could be a combo of all three possibilities.

Where I’m going with this is that once everyone can accept that these are legitimate experiences and overcome personal bias about them, we can come together at this nifty crossroads and discuss where both of these things may come from and how they’re interrelated. And I think it’s a discussion that would open a lot of doors and bring us to interesting conclusions.

So I dunno about you all, but I plan on seeing where this goes and thinking about how the two things are interrelated. And I’d love to hear the opinions and musings of others on the same topic. So please feel free to comment and share and think about this. Discuss it in a polite and rational manner. Where do fictionkin and PC paganism come from, and how do they relate to eachother? How can they fit together and how do they fit together already? Is it a “woo” thing with explanations found in alternate reality theories, or is it a psychological identification and manner of reaching out to shared human archetypes?

These are conversations that I think we need to be having.

I Owe a Large Debt to Myself.

At the time that I am writing this post, I am wracked with anxiety. I don’t know why I am so fucking scared of life, but I am. I have been for a long time.

But I’m still here. Very surprisingly.

Months ago, I tried to do the Pagan Blog project, but of course I didn’t keep up with it. I couldn’t tell you why. I’ve wanted nothing more than to contribute to the greater pagan community since I joined in 2006. I’ve gone through dreams of being a high priest, legal clergy, author, and many other things, and I’ve always wanted to do something for others with my faith. That’s why I made this blog–because Tumblr is full of drama and people who are too self-absorbed to care about creating a better environment and fostering intelligent and civil dialogue about modern issues.

That’s all I really wanted. I want to serve a community.

That’s always what I felt my purpose in life is: To serve others.

But with that comes a lack of service to myself.

Since the age of 11, I have suffered from depression. Add to that 7+ years of emotional abuse, and I ended up with co-morbid general anxiety disorder and PTSD. Throw in being transgender and queer in a family of conservative Christian rednecks who were all born in the 50’s and it gets worse. I have little to no support from the people who were supposedly in charge of me and charged with caring for me.

For a long time, I felt hopeless about my situation. I couldn’t win. I couldn’t help myself or be happy in any way. So I focused all my efforts on making the people I loved happy. I would ignore my own needs constantly and swallow my concerns and complaints because I knew it was dangerous to me to voice them. Even after my stepdad was gone, I still couldn’t do anything to help myself. I was trapped.

So about a month ago, I finally just…left. I did what I felt previously wasn’t an option, and I simply left the house.

I was suicidal to the point that I was fantasizing about running out into the busy street in front of my house, and when I ran out after a fight with my mother, I damn near did. I’m not entirely sure why I chose instead to plant myself on the ground instead. But I chose to live and went to the hospital instead. I then spent a few days with my ex-partners, who decided to break up with me while I was there. And after their (unfortunately unmedicated) paranoid schizophrenic stepmother threatened to call the cops on me because she thought I was going to kill her, I came back down to Maryland and finally thought to stay with an ex’s family who loved me like their own kid.

So that’s where I am now, struggling to get a job so I can pay rent.

I had to do all this just to get to a place where I can get support.

And I realize that all this was in service to myself.

I’ve always had a hard time being “selfish.” I never wanted to be rude or make other people feel bad. I never wanted to inconvenience others in any way with my presence. But now I’ve been forced into a position where I have to take care of myself, and that sometimes involves me asking other people to help take care of me. And that’s hard.

I’ve had to ask people for money. I’ve had to ask to live in their homes. I’ve had to ask for help.

I’ve had to be selfish.

In service to myself.

And that’s fucking hard.

It’s the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn in my life. Being selfish.

And that is what I present as my return to this blog. Self-interest is divine. Please don’t forget to serve yourself as you serve others. Or you will owe yourself a much bigger debt than you will ever know how to pay.

 

I got high and wrote these letters to Loki and family as I came down from it. (WordPress is being dumb, you might have to go to my blog and read it there)

——————

I wear two loves on my hands like a scale, balancing love. I’m alchemy and I think I’m coming down from my ship. My wings are burning up like Icarus’s because I flew too close to the sun. I just want to touch the stars because this Earth isn’t the Earth I know. This is cold grease and people who spit acid, when i want toes in the ground like roots that become trees for gnomes. I want sunshine in my mouth and filling every cavity and vein and pore and pouring out of me like cum. I want good sex. Like the kind We have but I wish I could actually touch your skin and kiss you. I want to get messy and roll around and muss up your pretty hair. You know I love you. I just wish I could feel better someday. I wish I were better. Im not amazing. Im angry and primitive and sometimes kinda gross and lazy and I smell funny and look funny and don’t know what Im doing half the time but apparently you think that’s cool so good for us.

Im glad I married you, really. Other people die and leave and treat you like shit for stupid reasons and make you want to pack up all your shit at 3:42am and throw it in the back of your shitty car and leave forever, maybe go to Rhode Island or something. But you’re not gonna do that. Because you want to help me for some reason. ❤ Maybe you like how I dance. I like to think that you like to watch me dance. It’s fun to dance when Im high because I’m just limbs moving around in air, as opposed to the water of sobriety. I just sway around and twist and fold and whirl around like wind or an eel. It feels really nice.

I’m sorry Im not as good a devotee as I could be. I could do so much more, I think. But maybe I do too much? Or i don’t live right? I dunno.

Your wife Sigyn is precious. Hello, Lady Sigyn. You’re so strong. I admire you so much. Please help me to be as strong because Im really not these days. There’s no air to breathe anymore and Im slowly fighting the carbon monoxide in my lungs. It’s not easy. But Loki is helpful. If you could teach me how to hang on tightly that would be nice. Thank you. You’re beautiful and I will never forget you or your children. Please ask if you ever want anything from me. I’ll try my best to hear you. ❤

Vali, I know what it’s like to want everyone to leave you alone. I get angry a lot and want everyone to go away because they screw things up for me. I know it’s not the same. But I want you to know you’re not forgotten. People still love you. We know your story and try to understand. I would like to know what you were like before it, but I also realize you are what you are now. That’s how I feel sometimes. You can’t change the evils that change you. You just accept the new you and continue living. I wont forget you. Thank you.

Narvi, I wont forget you either. Or your brother. Or your mother. And I hope you’re enjoying your quite place in Hela’s realm. I guess it’s not too bad being with your big sister? I hope not.

Hela, I know we dont speak much. I guess our paths just dont cross often. But I do respect you so much. Thank you for doing what you do. It’s very important to take care of the dead. I could do a better job, I think. Maybe you can help me to understand what it’s like and why it’s so important and I can learn to do a better job. Thank you.

Fenris. I think of you at odd times. I know your father loves you. I’m  sorry you had to be chained. But Im also glad for my life. Thank you for being a reminder to us of the things we lock up, why we lock them up, and that we shouldnt deny them all the time.

Jormundgandr, you’re a mystery to me. I hear you slither around the planet, scale sliding over rock and grass and through water, but you dont speak. You dont reach out to me and I dont to you. But Im glad to know you. You began, in a way, my relationship with your father. Thank you.

Angrboda, whether you’re a wife, consort, queen, or short-term lover, I know you’re important to Him. I feel like you knew Him at a time when He was still young. I bet you have countless stories to tell. Maybe one day we can share a drink and exchange. May I not disappoint you. Hail, Hagia of the Iron Wood.

Marriage Ramblings…

I’ve gotten a few readings lately that have hinted at a wedding in the spring. And lately, I’ve been on the hunt for a ring because my finger needs it. It’s important to me to have one.

And for the longest time I’ve been considering getting “Beloved” tattooed on my wrist, since I wear it there in pen, anyway. But last night I was kind of mulling it over and realized that if I got a tattoo for Him, I would essentially be “sealing the deal.” It would be me saying I want Him to be part of me forever. So…why not get “Beloved” tattooed on my ring finger instead?

I’m still mulling it over, researching the idea, etc. But I like it, I think.

I’m also sitting here contemplating marriage itself. Like…I don’t want to take this lightly. No oath, especially one like this, should be taken lightly. But I also don’t want to scare myself worrying about it. Because there’s not much to worry about.

Bluh. Marriage. ❤

If my fingers could touch your flesh, I swear

that they would become whole hands

groping desperately at your back

and pulling you tight to

me, desperate and

yearning.

I

have a

heart that is

full to bursting and

want to fit all of you inside it.