Slipping Through My Fingers

I felt the need to post this here as well. The first poem I wrote for Him that I felt captured even a small portion of my feelings for Him.

____

You are a gorgeous ghost of a god,

teasing with sweet whispers in my ear, but

always slipping through my fingers

when I try to capture that smoulder

that could melt both polar ice caps,

or the way that fire clings to your shoulders

after a steamy shower.

I’ve spent hours slaving over

mediocre paintings and pouring over

a vocabulary that has no words for you.

Wedding bells will toll and I will show up

in a tuxedo at your feet

because I cannot speak

the words to say how much you mean to me. My

heart cannot be still long enough for me to

translate the beating into art that

does justice to your fleeting, flaming self.

You are the reason I lie awake at night

and the reason I sleep. I need you

in my life, and you are always

on my mind and yet I find I fail at

each and every attempt to express

this incredible and distressing love. You

are the brightest gods-damned star in my sky

and I don’t care if I go blind—I will stare

into the heart of your light until

I finally get it right.

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Ever since I woke up this morning, my finger has been in want of a ring. I opened my eyes and it felt like I was missing one on my left hand, like it fell off in my sleep. But the thing is–I dont wear rings. With the exception of the one i wear for my girlfriend, I think rings are rather uncomfortable. I often describe them as tiny finger nooses. So for me to have such a physical want for one is…odd.

Of course, I was just proposed to, so…

The thing is though, as I sit here surfing Etsy for rings, I know that no matter how much I want to find one now, I know it ain’t happening. That’s not how Loki works. I know I’m going to stumble across it somewhere out in the world and somehow magically be prepared with money to buy it.

But that still doesn’t stop me from being antsy and surfing regrEtsy. >.>

I think it’s worth mentioning that I NEVER even DREAMED that I would be a godspouse. For the longest time, I thought that it was my path to be a near-headblind devotee who would never be a spiritworker of any sort, to the point that I wrote a post about it on my old Tumblr account.

When He first appeared to me in a tangible way (I won’t go into details about that night, because it involves other people as well) I…was overwhelmed. And I realized I felt things for Him that I hadn’t known I’d felt before. And when He kissed me, I was so warm…it was so comforting in a time where I was so incredibly distressed. And from then on, I couldn’t get the idea of godspouse out of my head, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how fervently I denied that I was even remotely worth the title. It was only when I finally came out and let myself acknowledge the idea that I realized “okay, yes…this is happening.” And it FREAKED ME OUT.

I was kind of in panic mode about it for a while. Especially after He’d said things like “You know I take many wives….but I wouldn’t mind a husband.” and ”How does it feel to love a god?” because the first statement sealed it, and the second question made me realize that I had no CLUE what I was doing, but here I was anyway….

Flash forward to now, after He’s proposed formally. I’m still halfway in “wait, what?” mode. I’m able to hear Him way more clearly than I was even two months ago. I can tell when He’s around, and that’s pretty often. And I find myself doing more work with Him now than I have in the almost two years of following Him. It’s interesting, considering I never saw this coming and fought it when it did happen.

Sometimes, seeing the recent influx of spouses, I feel like I’m just one in a large crop and that others won’t take what I have with Him seriously. Sometimes it makes it feel less meaningful. But then I spend time with Him and realize it doesn’t matter what other people think. And being His is very meaningful. It means He picks me up off the floor when I’m huddled in a corner having a horrible panic attack and watches MLP with me until I calm down. (True story.) It means we enjoy showers together and He helps me feel less dysphoric regarding my body. It means I share with Him, and He shares with me. Getting to know His family and especially His children has been incredibly meaningful, and will become increasingly so the more I learn and interact with Them.

So while I never planned on this, and while others might dismiss me as “another newbie godspouse (to be, I suppose)” that doesn’t change the fact that this is quite possibly the most meaningful part of my spiritual life, and I wouldn’t change a damn thing.