Beloved

I’ve been passively wondering what to write for PBP week three, and it hit me: Why not discuss the importance that the word “Beloved” has to me?

Beloved is myself to Loki. I am His beloved. And I remind myself all the time. I wear it on my wrist. My blog title is a constant mantra. But why? Where did it come from? Why that specifically?

It originally came from my personal need to have something to call myself other than “Godspouse” as I haven’t married Loki yet, and godfiance is just a bit awkward. Beloved was what I settled on, but it would come to be much more important to me.

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and self harm for many years. It’s only recently that Ive been able to really begin to break the habit, and that is in large part thanks to Loki. He was my focus automatically during BOTH of my hospital stays in 2012, and He kept me from hurting myself so often that I would get pissed off at Him, because it was so hard to resist and if He wasn’t there, I could just give in. But Im glad He’s always helped me to not do it. And while I’ve always drawn reminders of Him on my wrist as a coping method, I began using Beloved as my reminder, and I haven’t hurt myself since. I can’t bring myself to do it. Because every time I look down at my thin, pale, vulnerable wrist and see that promise–the promise that He loves me unconditionally, and that I shouldn’t hurt myself, and that even if I do, it’s okay and I can try again and be forgiven–I just cannot bring myself to do it.

During times when I feel absolutely worthless and stupid, when I feel like an awful person and a piece of shit, when I do something dumb and fuck up, it reminds me that Beloved is an Unconditional Term.

His love for me isn’t based on my level of perfection, or how I’m feeling that day, or anything else. It is unconditional. My mistakes don’t affect that. And I have to remind myself of that a lot. And it’s what I lean on. Its my little light. I hold onto it and can’t ever let it go. Because without it, I’d be lost.

And that’s why I proudly call myself His Beloved.

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