Lu is Not as Nice of a Teacher as Loki

So, Lucifer came round about a month ago. Eventually I got it that He was here to help me with my issues with an ex who, unfortunately, made me relive the cycle of fear that I get sucked into thanks to years of abuse. So I assume He’s going to help me break it. Help me to stop being afraid either of being hurt or hurting the people who hurt me. Either half works.

It hasn’t been easy at all, but so far, He’s never been truly harsh.

Until last night. Of course.

I had a dream about an ex of mine who I absolutely broke the heart of. Thinking about that relationship is awful for me and sends me into a spiral of sadness and anger and self-hate. Its something I’ve tried to just accept was a bad experience and move on with. But of COURSE I had to realize the parallels between that relationship and the one I just got out of. And of COURSE the roles had to be reversed.

The whole thing pisses me off and I am intensely unhappy at the moment. I’m going to be stuck thinking about this old relationship all day. And I am LESS than happy with Lu. Not that He gives a rat’s ass. I had a lesson to learn and now I’m butthurt about it. And I can go ahead and be pissed off because it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I learn the lesson and pick up on what He’s trying to teach me.

Today is not a good day. And I dont see it looking up much. It’s raining, I’m stuck in the house, and I get to think about painful things all day.

Hoo-fucking-ray.

Really, this is just an emotional vomit post. If I hold the pissed-off-edness in, it’ll fester. But obviously giving the finger to Lu wont help me too much. So I’ll just bitch about it here and hope I feel better eventually. And that Lu doesn’t have to act like such a dick to get His point across in the future.

(Notice I say act like and not be. I am purposeful in my language use.)

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3 thoughts on “Lu is Not as Nice of a Teacher as Loki

  1. I read the first part of this post and for a moment I saw the fall of 2008 and my ex flash before my eyes and all of a sudden I feel for you *so deeply* I can’t even say. Goodness.

    He’s not doing it to hurt you. I went through the *exact* same thing. Nightmare after nightmare. I will say this. I still have those dreams; but the last one I had-last November-pushed me dangerously close to suicide. And they weren’t his doing, per sey-being his Wife, he could have easily just made those dreams go away with dreams of his own. . . but he didn’t.

    Instead he sits in quietly with me at my therapy appointments, soothes me when I cry, and listens to me when I need to open up and don’t feel like I can to anyone else. And after last November it was his voice that I heard tell me, ‘please, do whatever you have to to get some help’. I didn’t have a paying job at the time, I was all volunteer, but I went to get one that had good health insurance. And I remember as I was dressing for the interview to get it he told me, ‘knock ’em dead, you’re my wife you can do it’.

    And I did. So he didn’t SEND the dreams, but he was firm that I needed the motivation to get up and get help, and that he’d give me whatever edge I needed to do it. AND he’d support me.

    And he did. Maybe that’s what he’s trying to tell you here. You have all this unresolved pain that you need help with, and he’ll give it to you-the edge to get it, I mean. . . if you *want* him to.

    • Mhm. I know He’s not doing it to hurt me. I wouldn’t expect that from Him. I’m just…I’m pissed that I had to learn this way. That that old relationship had to come up again when it hurts so much to see it. I punished myself for the whole thing for so long. Felt like I deserved every ounce of pain. And for it to come back up again in the way that it did and smack me in the face with it all again…..made me so damn angry.

      Im less angry now. Still not feeling particularly cuddly towards Lu, but I’m able to speak to Him again without wanting to explode.
      Whether He sent me the dream or just…used it to tie back into what He’s working on with me now…it still hurt like a bitch. It made me feel like an awful fucking person. And I just…
      I’ve got a lot of shit to deal with. That much is clear.
      I just needed to vent the anger in a way that wasn’t cussing at Lu and flipping His altar over. Because that would have been childish and I’d certainly regret it later. So this post happened.
      Now I just…have to pick myself up and sort through the pain.

      • I just made a big post about this for you, luv, to share a little bit about what I know about this sort of thing for you.

        I hope it helps. ❤

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